Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
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my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
🤣😂
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Skills
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*