Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
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Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer: