I want this so bad
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Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Gods work.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.