My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
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me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings