Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
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I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”