why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
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Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it