When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
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6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I’m aging like a fine banana
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away