Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
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dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Brilliant!
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.