Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
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“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Saturday
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses