Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
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I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.