Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
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[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Why is everyone getting married at me
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.