today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
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My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
the simulation is moving too fast
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I thought this was funny lol
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.