Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
You Might Also Like
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Lmbo
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*