Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
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Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies