I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
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If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
my dad has had enough
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are