Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
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Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Waiting for the Charmin
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?