I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
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having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
“TGIM!” – My liver
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.