Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
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Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!