Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
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[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else