running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
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Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing