A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
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You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?