If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
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Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.