*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
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[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
this will hang in the louvre one day
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!