No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
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Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
spicy snake
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.