I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
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My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
This makes total sense…
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see