why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
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No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING