Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
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I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window