My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
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the noise i just made
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
cause of death:
autopsy.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.