Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
You Might Also Like
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.