My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
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Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.