Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
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I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Made something I’m not proud of
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Bread puns are on the rise!
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
My teenage children choosing violence
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.