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My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
i love meeting boys on tinder
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?