I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
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I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?