*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
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Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?