How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
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Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
This is my bus stop.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening