doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
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‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
anyone else like Italian cereal
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Nice try Hitler
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes