Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
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*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.