my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
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Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask