Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
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House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions