I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
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Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.