I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
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Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]