lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
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$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
You know…for fall…
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Not today.. 😂
Hit me in the face with a bird
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Personal question. #JustSaying
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”