The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
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Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes