I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
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A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
inside you are two wolves
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry