I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
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I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I falcon love using swear birds
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.