My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
You Might Also Like
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
yes yes a thousand times yes!