Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
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Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud