Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
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Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.