me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
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Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Imma just leave this here…………
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
How about daylight saves us for once
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…