So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
You Might Also Like
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible